being homeless for dummies

sometimes i'd like to be homeless, just to show these bums a thing or two about survival.

and then i think to myself, andy, you're an idiot.

im the one who has so much to learn from these modern life refugees. i mean let's face it - if for whatever reason i was absolutely homeless, with no suitable place to stay (maybe i'm in a lifelong quarrel with a sibling, or my uncle just plain doesnt like my character) im as good as dead. in the summer, i could probably survive. the heat could be overcome by wading in a nearby lake, pond, or even laying in a puddle. why not? i dont care what you think, im a bum.

in the winter though, im as good as dead. granted, i've learned how to check myself into the ER with no insurance and no actual emergency other than im cold and have terrible survival skills. but any reputable ER doc can point out a homeless man just looking for a bed to sleep in (maybe a few pain pills, or maybe just to eye the nurses) and will quickly evaluate the patient and get them out of there in 20 minutes flat. after all, your uninsured ass isnt bringing them any money. before you know it, you're kicked out of the ER doors, welcomed by a big slap in the face of the cold, cold winter nights.

the one thing i cant figure out, is why they ask for cigarrettes all the damn time. look around you! there's smokes everywhere, on every sidewalk, in every gutter. put one or two together and you got yourself an entire cigarrette. never will i hand you a full smoke out of my pack. you bastards.